one year ago...

well this post has been ready for a while, but with everything thats been going on i havent posted it until now...

One year ago today, our nightmare began, well to us its our nightmare some try to look at it as a blessing with letting us know that jasons cancer was back…but really there was things that Jason should have gone to the dr about, but those of you who know Jason personally, you know how stubborn he is, n he always did tell me he didn’t want to go cause he was worried of what the dr would say. I never really thought much of his cancer coming back, I didn’t know much about cancer before, especially melanoma. But Jason had had a mole removed when he was 19, along with all of his lymph nodes out of the left side of his neck, I thought that was the end I never thought he/we would be battling it 2 years later, especially to this extent…

The symptoms Jason was having before were his god awful headaches, along with always sleeping, and spitting up bloody mucus at least once a day {early in the morning while he was at work so I never did see it} I tried talking Jason into going to the dr, but we all know how stubborn he is and we all know how busy we were last year, with working full time and going to school. Which really isn’t an excuse, but that’s what were sticking with!

It all began December 22, 2009 we had gotten home from work, and luckily I had gotten a phone call that day telling me class was cancelled and to have a great break, they would see me next year, and Jason was out of school for the holiday, we had gone to Costa Vida and gotten food, it was the same as any other day, we were both exhausted from working that morning and didn’t want to cook. We got home changed into jammies, turned on the TV{we had cable then}we were watching the office {dumb show} ate and Jason had dozed off. He wasn’t asleep too long before he started making a god awful noise, and started convulsing, what happened next was kind of a blur, but I did call 911, screaming n balling, telling the operater that my husband was having a seizure, {or what I thought was to be one since I had never seen one before.} I remember having to pull Jason off the couch onto the floor so he would be on a hard flat surface in case I had to start CPR. Poor Frankie was in between jasons legs, and was getting squished, I had to put him in the kennel so he wouldn’t get in the way of the EMT’s. Jasons seizure lasted a little over a minute, which after he started his heavy odd breathing, which is just about as scary as the seizure itself. I had opened the door, turned on the porch light {even tho it was still light outside, its to show what house to go to} for some reason the 911 operator had hung up the phone with me but had called me back to tell me that the officer was at the house saying that it was an open lot {idiot} she made me go out n stand on the lawn even tho the ambulance and fire truck were parked in front of my house. The EMT’s came in took jasons vitals got his drug list {none} all his info then tried putting him on the stretcher….Jason is quite the fighter, especially when he is out of it. It took I believe 3 emts to get him strapped down. They had threatened him more than once that they were going to get a drug to make him calm down, but Jason finally started working with them… he was yelled BABY!! The entire time, “don’t this to me! Let me go!” which again started my crying!

After the operator had gotten off the phone with me I called my mom, and thankfully she n my dad were in logan finishing up their xmas shopping…they rushed right over. I rode in the ambulance to the hospital with Jason, he was starting to come to so wasnt fighting as much anymore. My mom called jasons dad, told him what was going on {there was no way I could talk}. Jason was taken for a CT scan of his brain. My parents were in the waiting room when the dr came in to tell us there was a bleed in jason’s brain, so they would be transferring us to the UofU hospital in SLC, to have more tests done. I went straight to the waiting room..crying of course…n we broke the rule of only 2 or 3 people in the room. There was my parents along with jasons dad brother n sister.

We were transferred to SLC via ambulance, my family was to follow and meet us there. When we arrived they took Jason back for an MRI, which took forever, while he was there the dr had come in and spoken with me about jasons medical history, and said right off the bat that his guess would be that it was his cancer moving up from his neck. After talking to the dr, the nurse came in and told me the MRI was going to take about an hour, so I could go out in the waiting room with family if I wanted to…I did J my parents n sisters were there {along with their significant others} and Jasons sister n husband were there.

About 2 hours later they moved Jason up to the Neuro ICU, where the nurses are bitches! That don’t know what they are doing! It took 2 nurses 3 tries each to get one of jasons Iv’s in. and the one went fishing for a vein, so Jason ended up with a HUGE bruise… we had been told they were thinking of removing the tumor surgically, but obviously we didn’t.

The next morning my parents came back along with jasons other sister n husband. Jason had gone for an MRI of his chest abdomen and pelvis. After which he was moved to the acute side of the hospital {much nicer!} Later that day the dr finally came in and told us that the MRI had shown some spots{7} in jasons lungs. And later that night a dr from the huntsman had come over to talk to us about our options. He explained the radio surgery, and said that would happen in January, said we would get to go home before xmas, and he hoped we could enjoy our holiday… he was the one who told us about the IL2 and that Jason would have a 6-8% chance of beating this. Then everyone left, so Jason n I could talk to the dr alone. Im not sure I ever told people what we talked about, but you are all finding out now. We asked about fertility, and got more personal explanations of everything which is nice, he made sure we fully understood EVERYTHING. He told us he would get info on a sperm bank {which we later found out the IL2 wouldn’t have an effect of spermies} it was such an emotional night im not sure how the dr fully understood anything that was coming out of my mouth. Im sure I am missing a lot of what was said that night, but I remember like it was yesterday how Jason had told the dr the biggest thing he was worried about was me, because if he died it would overall effect me more than him.

We got to come home the next day, my parents came over and took us home…

So theres the story, I know its long, and im sure ive missed stuff but im balling so that’s my excuse! Now for the second part of our 1 year ago…

In the past year Jason n I have become closer than I thought we could ever be, we have had to talk about everything from babies, to life insurance, wills, and death. Not exactly the first things you think to talk about in your second year of marriage… We have had multiple dr visits, hospital stays, crys, laughs and hugs…along with words of hate. {never towards eachother, always from others} we have been talked down to, up to, at, and about, we have lost family n friends knowing that our life would be easier without them and honestly it has been. We have learned who is here to really help and show support {and become extremely close with family and new friends}, and who we were better off having nothing to do with. We have learned to live our life with this dark cloud constantly following us around and still be able to have a good time. We have a whole new appreciation for our jobs! And our community, with all the love and support we have been shown along with the generosity from so many people we are so thankful for! We have learned to voice our opinions, this is a BIG one for me, and stand up for ourselves. We have learned how to act with bad news, in public and private. We have been able to keep a private life although everything is so public. This hasn’t been the year I expected to have in 2010 but it’s the one I was dealt so im trying my hardest to live it up with my Love, and I am thankful its over and hope that the new year will bring on better news.