it will always be Hope and Jason. i know Jason will always be with me.{i feel him everyday} we have an amazing strong bond, LOVE for each other, and made a connection that some will never make. and that will never end. but i cannot write on the hope and jason blog...i will add things now and again i am sure...things that include the both of us....but right now i feel its my fight. my fight against anger, sadness, loneliness...and to learn to live again. therefore i have made a blog for me, for my fight.

i have had a lot of people tell me that people were asking why the funeral and everything was in snowville, well since nobody has the nerve to as me...i will answer!

Jason always wanted to be cremated...but when it came down to it i couldnt do it...i needed a place to go visit him...n i needed some kind of closure, where as if he was cremated i would have him sitting on my mantle/shelf and take him with me throughout my life, and that would be more difficult that what i am dealing with now....

so tuesday night i laid in the chair with jason for about 3+ hours, talking about it...asking questions, telling him my thoughts.... and he agreed that being buried in snowville, next to my younger brother would work great....

we never talked about it before tuesday {except him saying he wanted to be cremated} we never planned on this being the outcome of our battle...we planned to {and did} fight until the end, working on a miracle...

april 15, 2011

thank you all for your love and support thru the past couple weeks. everyone tells me it will get easier with time, but as of right now it just keeps getting harder. it still feels like a bad dream, that im going to wake up from any minute and jason will be here with me. its hard to believe i have to live the rest of my life without him...that i will never hear his voice again, kiss him, or hug him....

i have so many questions but no answers...

i want to go home, but i am so scared to be there alone, in a house full of what our lives were...

everything reminds me of us, a story of something we did once, in our short time together...

i have no idea how i still have tears...i feel like i should be dried up by now...

i feel cheated.

i lay in the chair, all day and night...with no idea on what i am supposed to do now...

i never knew i could hurt this badly {physically and emotionally}

i feel so lost.

i miss him so much.

obituary

Jason Schenk (1988 - 2011)

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LOGAN - Jason Schenk, 22, husband of Hope Keller Schenk, passed away following a courageous battle with melanoma cancer April 6, 2011, surrounded by those he loved. He was born July 30, 1988, in Logan, Utah, a son of John Lyman and Nancy Marie Kelsey Schenk.
He was raised and educated in Cache Valley and lived in Nibley and Hyrum, graduating from Mountain Crest High School. He worked for Albertsons for a time, then with J.W.C. Construction Co.
He met the love of his life, Hope Keller, and they were married Aug. 8, 2008, in Snowville, Utah. They then resided in Logan, where Jason enrolled at Stevens-Henegar College. While attending school, Jason was employed at Gossner's Co. He was a very hard worker all his life.
Jason enjoyed camping, hiking, traveling, lounging around the house and especially riding his motorcycle.
His greatest love was spending time with his sweetheart, Hope, who was also his best friend. He is survived by his wife, Hope of Logan; his parents; one brother, Zachary Schenk of Logan; two sisters, Tina (Randy) Wood of Lewiston, Utah, and Kandice (Cody) Frederick of Nibley, Utah; parents-in-law, Tim (Jennifer) Keller of Stone, Idaho; grandparents, Marjorie Kelsey of Ogden, Utah, and LaMont (Rhea) Schenk of Nibley; and several nieces and nephews. He was preceded in death by his grandfather, Lawrence Kelsey; grandmother, Ada Schenk; and a brother-in-law, Steven Keller.
Funeral services will be held at noon Wednesday, April 13, in the Curlew LDS Ward chapel in Snowville, Utah. Friends may visit with the family from 6 to 8 p.m. Tuesday at the church in Snowville and from 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Wednesday at the church. Burial will follow in the Snowville Cemetery. Condolences may be sent online at www.horsley funeralhome.com.
Arrangements are under the care and direction of the Horsley Funeral Home of Malad.
"I lovers you forever, my superman."- Love, Hope

funeral

viewing will be Tuesday April 12, 6-8 pm. funeral will be held wednesday April 13, 12 noon, with a viewing time prior starting at 11. at the snowville church house {where we were married} Snowville, Utah. he will be buried in the snowville cemetery.

April 6, 2011

jason passed today around 4..while laying in the chair with me by his side holding on {pretty much for dear life}surrounded by those who love him more than words can ever explain.

i lovers you my superman..{forever}

April 4, 2011

the day started out pretty good, jason was talking to me while we were laying in bed, then we got him up and showered {it was a bit of a rough shower} after his shower got him on the couch and started his morning meds...well shortly after finishing his morning pills jason started to seize. we believe he had 4 before the ambulance got here. while at the hospital they did a chest xray to check on his pneumonia, then later did a CT scan of his brain. the xray showed the pneumonia so they did a iv antibiotic, {after poking him about a million times they finally got the iv started, even poked the port 6 times!! WTF?!} the CT scan showed that there are new lesions {we already knew this} and they had grown, and he was bleeding, couldnt tell you if it was the right or left side the dr changed his mind each time he told us. they wanted to send us to the university {we were at the hospital in tremonton} but there was no point in it, they have already washed their hands of us. so after telling the dr like 3 different times that we werent going down there unless they were actually going to do something for us, he finally understood. so he called our neurosurgeon who informed him that if we wanted he could try n remove the bleeding in his brain, but other than that there was nothing they could do.

so after about 5 hours in the er{5 very long emotional hours}, we finally go to come home {idaho} where friends n family met us, along with the hospice nurse. {yes jason is officially on hospice}

the hospice nurse brought oxygen, a mucus sucker {it helps A LOT to get the crap he coughs up out of his mouth} morphine, ativan, and personal supplies. we refused a hospital bed, and my parents bought a recliner, {jason never wanted a hospital bed} then there was the paperwork....one of the hardest things i have ever done is fill out my 22 year old husbands DNR.

{sorry if i left a lot out...but im sure you all understand}

march 30-april 3

30-we went to malad today, j laid down n had like 10 treatments at once :) he also had his back put back into place {the simple way, will hopefully get it better soon} the morning didnt start out the best, but got better while we were at the dr. while sitting in the waiting room i was talking to jason, i usually end up having to ask him if he is going to talk to me, and his response- what up playa?! ;) gotta love the little things! after getting home we helped him lay down on the couch, and was getting ready to hook him up to the rife machine, the visiting teachers pulled up {so we waited on the rife treatment} Jason received a blessing {and was sawing logs the entire time!} after the blessing we hooked jason up to the rife and got his treatment in :) OH! ans we got our rife machine today, so no more having to borrow it!

31-last night was a bad night :( jason was complaining of pain, a lot! finally i got some pain meds down him and he calmed down a little...we went to malad again today {we usually go every other day, but the dr isnt in tomorrow} jason did a foot bath {the end result was like a black sludge!} and laid on the table {we do this everytime we go} also put jasons back back into place {simple way, do this every time we go too...} it was hard to get jason talked into leaving, he is always so relaxed while we are there...after the dr we came home {idaho} and jason passed out on the couch...

1-well today was my day off {kinda} i went to logan to get some stuff done, cleaned the house, figured out insurance, got prescriptions refilled, figured out a couple bills, visited some people at work and got my ring cleaned :) {looks so much better! ♥ the little things...like a lil more sparkle} and made a couple appointments...overall very productive day...Jennifer and April were hanging out with jason while i ran over to logan, they informed me it was a bad day, he complained a lot about being in pain, wouldnt eat, drink, or talk to them...but was completely different when i got home...i got him to finish a banana drink some of his chocolate milk {new protein powder mix, has so much more stuff in it than the matrix meal} he sat up talked to me for a little while...and was overall from what im told completely different! April had called me to ask what pain pills to give jason and to tell me that it was his head and his right eye that was hurting him, so i had her run the brain swelling on the rife machine, and she informed me that it made a huge difference that his left side was extremely swollen and hard, but after the rife treatment, it went down, a lot!

2-- well today has been a little rough...while jason was in the shower this morning he was having a really hard time sitting up, kept leaning to the right...couldnt stand, complained a lot of pain, slept most of the day, and was randomly saying uhuh... and talking a lot, but i couldnt make out what he was saying, i dont know if he was dreaming, talking to the tv or what... he still isnt standing...which makes it hard to transfer since he is so much taller than the rest of us! and he definitely wasnt drinking enough today! so we will either be taking him to the hospital for an IV tomorrow or monday {going to see if our dr will hook us up with one} im certain his dehydration has a lot to do with his pain {obviously so does all the tumors, but we have all felt dehydrated{hangover} and know how painful it is}

3-today started out pretty good! jason was talkin a lot this morning before getting out of bed ♥ got him up showered and moved to the couch {where he spends all day} got his morning pills in, with chocolate milk {he was pretty excited about that} he talked the whole time, just his regular self :) his neck has been way bad cramped today, but wouldnt let me rub it any to make it somewhat better...he had a massive leg cramp...he was quiet then just started "fuck, fuck fuck fuuuck" :( but rubbing it seemed to help a lot. he was complaining of pain but all in his leg, so he refused pain pills. he ate some soup for dinner! woohoo! he isnt eating much but more than he was a few days ago! he is hooked up to the rife machine, doing detox, fungal infection and cancer...we got jason to try to stand today before putting him in bed...he could stand pretty well with his left leg but had issues with his right...but at least he attempted to stand, he hasnt stood for us for a few days now :(

we do rife treatments everyday and have recently started doing the detox one every other day. it is hard to get jason to drink enough to flush everything out of him, so im going to see if our dr will hook him up with a saline bag and possibly some Vit C, to help flush all the toxins and dead cancer out! and keep him hydrated. we are still doing ozone every other day, but R had to take his machine back so hopefully we will get it back soon to start back up on them....jason has said he wanted meat so he had a little bit of hamburger the other night {like 5 tiny pieces but enough to satisfy him!} he still hardly eats, so we got new powder with a lot more vitamins and just good stuff for him...we refer to it as chocolate milk, he seems to like it so i try to get him to drink as much of it as possible, he is still on all his vitamins/minerals its just a lot harder to get them all in since he is on the antibiotic...still having issues with his bladder and lately bowels too...but i know he is NOT eating enough to be putting out what he is, so the treatments have to be working! the dead cancer/toxins have to be pushed out of the body somehow and thats whats happening! he has been really weak lately, but who wouldnt be with all the treatments n death of cancer going on in their body?! i really want to get his weight to see where we are at, but that is going to take some time...since he isnt standing like at all...so once he gets some strength back i will update on his weight! the past few days he has been sweating A LOT, so he is ridding his body of toxins that way, just need to get him to drink more so that can help flush them out

after talking to martha{lent us her rife, close friend of the family} she believes that jason doesnt have pneumonia, that it is the broken up cancer cells from his lungs, and the only way to get them out is to hack em up!! and i am believing it! :) {fever n such could be from UTI, so we still need the antibiotic}

thank you all who commenting on the blog! its great to hear from everyone n their reason of reading the blog! {i like hearing how amazing we are} ;) but really we have been surrounded by so much negativity from people since the beginning, its great to have all positive. thank you all for that.

so to answer a few questions-

foot bath- is used to pull toxins out of the body, you can tell where it is detoxing by the color of the water at the end...so far we have been detoxing jason's liver, gallbladder, and tobacco...certain its all the chemo that has been left behind!

jasons swelling- i honestly believe he looks less swollen because of the 20 lbs he has lost in the last 2 weeks...but possibly a little is from the treatments {hopefully}...

his legs..the left one is EXTREMELY smaller than the right, and he is having issues with standing and walking because of his legs getting smaller and weaker...this is happening because jasons body has seemed to have attacked the left side more than the right, with eating away at his muscle...because he doesnt eat enough to stay out of starvation mode..

OH! we are redoing the spot on jason's back...and it is A LOT bigger this go around!!

seem to be having more bad days than good...which makes it difficult to stay positive, but were still working on our miracle and are trying our hardest to stay positive that the outcome will be in our favor, and we will eventually get back to living out lives the way we want!