Hope and Jason: april 15, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011

april 15, 2011

thank you all for your love and support thru the past couple weeks. everyone tells me it will get easier with time, but as of right now it just keeps getting harder. it still feels like a bad dream, that im going to wake up from any minute and jason will be here with me. its hard to believe i have to live the rest of my life without him...that i will never hear his voice again, kiss him, or hug him....

i have so many questions but no answers...

i want to go home, but i am so scared to be there alone, in a house full of what our lives were...

everything reminds me of us, a story of something we did once, in our short time together...

i have no idea how i still have tears...i feel like i should be dried up by now...

i feel cheated.

i lay in the chair, all day and night...with no idea on what i am supposed to do now...

i never knew i could hurt this badly {physically and emotionally}

i feel so lost.

i miss him so much.

3 comments:

Julianne HowesApril 15, 2011 at 11:09 AM
You have every right to feel that way because you were cheated in a lot of ways. I'm not going to tell you it will get easier with time because you deserve to be sad for a while. Jason was a great guy and he's so lucky to have you. Thinking of you always.
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SherryApril 16, 2011 at 10:16 AM
Hope, I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing I say can make it any easier, but I want you to know I am here if you ever need anything.
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Rick A.April 16, 2011 at 5:00 PM
Hope, don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling...not now or in the future. It becomes more bearable over time, not easier. You will always miss Jason. Once in awhile you will feel all of the feelings you posted on here. What happens over time is our ability to bear it, to deal with it. You are the only one in the world feeling like you are now, never let anyone tell you to feel other wise. I am praying for you! So sorry you have to go through all of this.
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our cancer story {beginning}

well it all started with a seizure December 22, 2009. After amulance, ER, ambulance, ER, ICU, Neuro care unit, we were informed jason had Stage IV metastasized Melanoma. there was one tumor in his brain and 7 in his lungs. And were sent home on Christmas eve {great way to spend the holiday!} With the course of treatment chosen then jason had a 6-8% chance of living and would be lucky to make ten years {oh! he was 21 at the time} well, that treatment{IL2} was tried...once and was/is no longer an option.so Jason received full brain radiation {and lost ALL of his beautiful hair} In June of 2010 2 days after finishing radiation we were given the option of hospice {they could no longer do anything for us} so we found another hospital {CTCA} in Arizona and shortly after started a clinical trial {ipilimumab} in Idaho. Brain surgery the 2 of DEC, to remove 2 of the 6 tumors. came home the 4 :) got the pathology report the 8, which informed us the first/main tumor was dead but the 2nd was still alive {which leads us to believe all the other 6 tumors are alive} now we are waiting to decide whether jason will undergo a 2nd brain surgery or more radiation..Jason had to quit the trial due to steroids and surgery so now we are waiting to hear when/if he starts it back up..this is definitely "in a nut shell" version of our cancer story...but it gives somewhat of a background without having to read the entire blog! :)